Dear wife!
I am writing you this letter to let you know that I am leaving you forever. I have been a good man and a loving husband for seven years, and I have received nothing in return…
The last two weeks have been especially awful. The final straw was a call from your boss informing you that you had quit your job. You came home last week and didn’t even notice that I had gotten a new haircut, made your favorite meal for dinner, and even put on a new pair of silk underpants. You ate in two minutes, watched all your soap operas, and went straight to bed. I haven’t heard you say you love me in a long time; you don’t want to do anything that brings husband and wife together. Either you’re seeing somebody else, or you’ve fallen out of love with me. Whatever it is, I’m leaving.
Your ex-husband.
P. S. And don’t even try to find me. Your sister and I have moved to West Virginia forever! Have a nice stay.
Dear ex-husband!
Nothing has made me happier than your letter in a long time. Indeed, we’ve been married seven years, though you’re a long way from being a good man. I watch soap operas to drown out your constant whining. Lately, however, that hasn’t helped either. I noticed your new haircut last week, but all I wanted to say was, “You look like a sissy!” Since my mom taught me to only say nice things or keep quiet, I opted for the latter. And when you made my favorite dish, you must have confused me with my sister, because I haven’t eaten pork in seven years.
Speaking of new silk panties: I turned away because there was still a $49.99 price tag on them; maybe it was just coincidence that my sister had borrowed 50 bucks from me that morning. Nevertheless, I still loved you, and I thought we could get along. So when I won $10 million in the lottery, I quit my job and bought two tickets to Jamaica. But when
I got home, I found out you were gone. Well, I guess nothing just happens.
I hope you’ll be happy in your new life. My lawyer said that thanks to your letter, you won’t be able to get a penny out of me. So good luck!
Your ex-wife, rich and free!
P. S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was a Carl at birth…
Have a good day ❤️
