In the morning, my mom didn’t wake me up. I was used to my mother waking me up every day before breakfast. When I opened my eyes, I realized she was gone.
Could I call myself a worthy son after all that had happened? Standing on the doorstep of the nursing home, I watched with pain in my heart as my elderly mother stood at the window. I had once chosen a comfortable life with my wife and chased my mother away; now I was suffering for my action. How dare I treat my own mother this way?
As a child I had lost my father, he had left us early and my mother had chosen me instead of starting a new life. She was still young and beautiful, but I was the main problem. She was offered marriage if she would leave me. But she never dared to think about leaving me. Rejecting all offers, she looked for a job in her field, she was a confectioner. She often took one shift after another to pay for our housing, living expenses, and my school fees.
Her hands were always swollen and red from constantly working with dough, but she never complained. When she came in after a hard shift she would put the kettle on and feed me fresh pastries, and there were days when my paycheck was late. My mother would usually watch me eat and only after I had had enough to eat, she would start to finish eating for me.
It wasn’t until a little later that I realized she was afraid to leave me hungry. Her love was so strong that she sacrificed herself for me without delay. She replaced the whole world for me, with a mother like her I didn’t need a father. I remember her often saying that she would never marry, lest her new husband hurt me.
My childhood was relatively happy, my mother tried her best, not getting enough sleep, not eating enough, but she never complained. Later things got complicated when her factory closed and she got arthritis in her fingers. Every movement of the hand caused her unimaginable agony and she could no longer work. And there was nowhere else to work. They just wouldn’t take her anywhere else.
I was finishing high school at the time, and I was working part-time at the local stall. Clean up, carry trash, help set up merchandise, move heavy boxes when I had to stand behind the cash register. I was paid for this work with groceries and sometimes a little money. I saved up for medicine for my mother and always tried to please her with good news. Knowing that she is really happy when she hears about my progress in school I tried my best to study well. After finishing school with a red medal, I applied to famous universities. Quite quickly I got an answer and was accepted by almost all educational institutions. So my mother and I moved to the big city.
Life gradually began to get better, after classes I worked in cafes and warehouses. I was well paid, and had enough money for food, expenses, and other pleasures of life. I was given a room in the dormitory as one of the best students, where my mother and I lived. I took her to museums, theaters and cinema, showed her around town, bought her dresses and tried to cheer her up.
Everything was great until I met her. I do not know whether she was my first love or the destroyer of my fate? Studying in the second year, I met Lena. Or rather, we were brought together fellow students, city girl from an intelligent family, all of such an interesting and flighty at once broke my head.
My friends were jealous that I managed to win such an unassailable cutie. Time flew by, our relationship with her evolved, one day she suggested we start living together. I was not ready for that, but she threatened to break up and I had to agree. We couldn’t live with her, her parents didn’t approve of our union and that left only my dorm room.
She did not know my mother, and I was in no hurry to introduce them. I was embarrassed to represent my mother, a haggard woman of a hard life and an intelligent cellist, clearly her mother looked better. It was wrong, but there was nothing I could do about it. It was necessary to talk to my mother. I knew exactly what I was going to say, understood that I intended to leave my mother on the street. After studying, I struck up a conversation as usual and then got to the main topic:
– Mom, I met a girl and we’re going to live together.
– Son, I’m so happy for you. You’re doing a great job of that. When are you going to introduce us?
– Not this time. Mom,where are you gonna live?
– I’m gonna go back to our home town and stay with our neighbor Clava. Don’t worry, son.
– But how long can you live there? And it probably won’t be free, will it?
– Aunt Clava lives alone and needs a roommate. I don’t need money, son. You better save up and buy yourself something, eat well, spend it on your girlfriend. When I get a job, I’ll try to send money.
– All right, Mama. Then I’ll see you out tomorrow?
– Tomorrow, son. Tomorrow. Go to bed.
I noticed the fleeting pain in my mother’s eyes, which she could not hide. She was clearly trying to hide the pain and tears, trying not to upset me. I realized that I was acting like the last person. Sending my mother to an unknown place, with no money, no home, with arthritis. How would she survive? I was well aware that Aunt Clava didn’t like people and was unlikely to agree to live with her. But I just wanted to get rid of her as quickly as possible. Love blinded me. I went to bed.
In the morning, my mother didn’t wake me up. I was used to my mother waking me up every day before breakfast. When I opened my eyes, I realized she was gone. Mom was gone and wouldn’t be back. There were no of her things in the closet, her shoes by the front door, and the mattress was neatly tucked away to the side. On the table she had left a note:
“Son, don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine. I haven’t noticed how you’ve grown up, matured. I know you’re embarrassed of me, and I understand. Tell your girlfriend that you don’t have a mother, then you won’t have to introduce her. My darling, I wish you happiness and love. Be happy son, never repeat my fate. If you ever need help or anything happens, contact Aunt Clava. I’ll be there.”
What I read filled my eyes with tears, and I felt terrible. I began to miss my mother, I knew that she was left on the street, homeless, penniless, and completely sick. But what had been done could not be undone, and my Lena was ready to move in with me.
So Lena and I lived together, and very soon we were married. At first I wanted to invite my mom to the wedding, but I changed my mind, she was the one who suggested me to say that I didn’t have a mother. So I did. After that incident I did not try to look for her, different things kept happening and I just had no time for her.
After my daughter was born I realized what it was like to be a parent. I told Lenka all about my mother and what I had done to her.
– And now you want to find her?
Lenka asked in a furious voice.
– No, Lenka. I just want to know if she’s alright, that’s all.
– Why don’t you bring your mom home, too? How am I supposed to know where she’s been all these years, and what kind of diseases she’s bringing home to us? Think of your baby, she’s a newborn and it’s dangerous for her to be around strangers.
– She’s not a stranger, she’s her grandmother. Lena say what you want, but I have to make sure she’s okay.
After a couple of weeks of searching, I managed to find her. It turned out that Aunt Clava had died right after we moved in and Mom couldn’t go to her. I asked all our neighbors from the home area, but no one had seen her. Out of grief and homesickness I went to our river, where my mother taught me to swim, a birch tree grew nearby and we set up a birdhouse. After checking the birdhouse I found a crumpled and old letter, I realized at once that it was from my mother. She wrote the following:
“Son, if you’re reading this letter, it means you still need me, and you were looking for me. I hope you are doing well and are looking for me to make sure I am okay. Don’t worry about me, I live in a nursing home two streets away from your university. I’ve watched you a lot, you’ve been happy and I didn’t want to bother you.”
I jerked out of my seat and got in the car at full speed to drive back home. I couldn’t imagine having her by my side the whole time. The nursing home called Hope told me that my mother was with them, that they had picked her up on the street in the winter, where she was begging. That made my hair stand on end, my mom was a kidnapper? And in the winter? Am I even human? Where have I been all this time? Roughly the same questions were asked of me by the nurse who worked there and I was unable to find answers. After all these years, I hoped my mother would forgive me and when I opened the door of her room, I was surprised. She had gotten old, very old, was dressed in rags and didn’t even pay attention to us.
– Mom…. Mom….Mom, it’s me.
Tears prevented me from saying all the things I had been holding in my heart. Crying in her lap, I couldn’t lift my eyes. It was embarrassing to look into her eyes. She dropped her tears and stroked my head.
– Son, my good son. You found me. I waited for you, waited and believed that you would find me.
– Mom, let’s go home.
– Home? But I don’t have a home.
– There’s Mama, you have a home. You have a granddaughter and I’ll introduce you.
– Granddaughter? My son!
We hugged each other and again the tears burst out. We drove to our house, and I regretted that I hadn’t talked to Lenka beforehand. She didn’t even bother to say hello. She started yelling and accusing me right from the doorstep, asking my mother to leave in a brazen manner.
– What are you doing here? Who are you? He didn’t have a mother, his mother was a musician and died in a flood on tour.
She was talking nonsense, or rather I was talking nonsense when I tried to get her to like me years ago. My poor mother, how cruel I was. I couldn’t contain my anger, so I slapped Lena in the face and told her I was divorcing her.
She immediately threatened that I wouldn’t see our daughter, but I didn’t care anymore. I couldn’t forgive myself for what I had done to the person who loved me more than anything else in the world. Just a couple of minutes can change the outcome of a person’s life forever, just a couple of minutes I was distracted quarrel with Lena and did not notice how my mother left.
Jumping out of the doorway I looked for her like a madman, my heart skipped a beat….. My legs became cotton wool…. Ahead of me a pile of people, a dented foreign car and my mom laying next to me. This was my punishment and I had to live with it. No love in the world can replace a mother’s love. No one will ever love you more than your mother. No one will thoughtlessly sacrifice their life for you like your mother. This woman once chose me over a new life and I was the happiest person, for I had the opportunity to call such a beautiful person my mother.
With guilt and pain, I live from day to day. I don’t need or want anything, it’s all my own fault. And for me there is no point in continuing to breathe, it is impossible to breathe fully with such heaviness in my soul.
If you have ever thought about your mothers, remember, relationships and marriage are a fickle and replaceable thing, but only a mother is capable of great love for her child. If you have someone to call a mother, you are the luckiest person in the world…. Take care of mothers, fathers, parents. Appreciate them while they are there, afterwards it will be late and useless. You won’t be able to forgive yourself….
